There's no denying that the Golden Globes are little more than a poor-man's Oscars. However, that's no excuse for the reckless abandon for fashion displayed on the red carpet by this year's Globe-trotters. As with any star-studded, Hollywood event; there are those with winning frocks - and those who frock it up completely.
But this year in particular, the fashion was decidedly lack-luster. One can only presume she has taken maternity leave because Rachel Zoe's presence could not have been more dearly missed! I can almost imagine the super stylist watching the red carpet at home whilst simultaneously counting the calories on the back of her pre-natal vitamins and thinking to herself: oh.my.gawd. I've hit the jackpot! I can pretty much double my stylist fee now, these Hollywood idiots haven't got a hope in hell without me. bah-nah-nahs.
If she is thinking that, she's not wrong. There was not one stand-out dress this year. In fact, there were a lot of common tends followed: green, nude, pink colours, glitter/sequins, frills and volume; which meant that many looked awkwardly similar. For the most part, the dresses were drab rather than fab, safe rather than chic and gaudy rather than glam. Even notorious Oscar knock-outs such as Halle Berry managed to make a Golden Git of herself... all that money and this is the best they can come up with? As Tim Gunn would say, "WORK IT OUT PEOPLE!!"
Anyways, here is a summary of the key trends at the 2011 Golden Globes:
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Dresses I Didn't "Hate":
Amazing by Seal feat. Heidi.
Nothing outrageously individual but any means, yet this is refreshingly demure and elegant look for Scar-Joh. Casts a flattering silhouette and the old Hollywood hairstyle is a nice touch.
Pretty in Peach, Emma Stone.
This is one of my absolute favourites. Love the intricate beading, embroidered detailing and the mesh neckline. Very glamorous. Jayma Mays will be one to watch in the future!
Simple and elegant in black. Then again, throw a floor length gown on any half-decent looking, tall, size 0 girl and she'll turn heads.
So many pregnant stars don't know how to carry themselves (let alone their unborn child) on the red carpet. This, however, is a great choice. The off-the-shoulder cut of the dress and contrasting fabric textures add diversity and shape to the Badgley Mischka gown. Great colour choice too, it really emphasizes that prenatal glow. It's ironic how despite being heavily pregnant, Jane Krakowski still manages to upstage most other stars' outfits. If being pregnant is what it takes to dress well then somebody ought to invite the St Kilda Football Club to next year's Golden Globes.
Oh Helen Mirren, you class act.
Hailee Steinfeld is only 14 and she can pull off this gorgeous, white Prabal Gurung halter gown. Take note Halle Berry, less is more at any age.
Great colour and nice detailing at the top for Katie Lee. Not too little, not too much.
Going Green:
Elizabeth Moss: maybe you should become what your surname suggests and go crawl back under a rock. The ironic, moss-green colour of this dress says it all really.
Angelina Jolie looks long, lean and statuesque in this gown, but the colour is still something I'm undecided about. It's a little bit too much green for my taste, she is treading a very fine line between Kermit the Frog and Couture... Needless to say, the long sleeves and svelte silhouette are reminiscent of Hilary Swank's phenomenal, backless, blue 2008 Versace Oscar dress.
I wonder, if I followed Mila Kunis would she lead me to the end of a rainbow with a pot of gold in tow?
Catherine looks like an unadorned Christmas tree. Slap a few kg's and a red suit on Michael and he'd make for one dashing Father Christmas - he certainly belongs to the correct age bracket and has the right hair colour to fit the bill.
Caught in the Nude and in the Pink:
Her shape may be "hourglass" but all I see here is the sand.
Oh god. Sandra looks like Glynda the Good Witch of the East. Oh, and she could give Justin Beiber a run for his money with that horrid bowl-cut hair. No one over the age of fifteen should have a fringe. That goes for you too Katy Perry!
Rhea Durham looks stunning. No doubt Marky Mark will be dropping his pants for her later!
Naya Rivera, another Kardashian-clone in the making. I don't know where they keep popping up from, I couldn't point to Armenia on a map if I tried!
Claire Danes has kicked a goal with the colour but the cut of this dress is a little too "lunch at the lawn bowls" for me. It ages her. As does the Meg Ryan haircut.
In 2008, Leighton Meister made them good girls go bad. In 2011, this dress makes them good girls look bad. Ok that was a bit harsh, Leighton is known for her individual style and somehow (probably thanks to her impeccable genes) she almost always manages to look good. This dress only works (if it works) because of her.
All that fame and fortune, yet no body could give poor Keithy Urban a phonebook to stand on for this photo?
This is such an awkward pose, it looks like she is part-disabled. Then again, there'd have to be something broken upstairs if you look like Megan Fox and then pay thousands of dollars to go under the knife and become Megan Faux. If it's not broken don't fix it! But fix this outfit, it's hideous.
Could somebody please tell this cheap and tacky looking Sofia Vergara that this isn't the MTV Latin Music Awards? How could this Vera Wang gown be so Vera-Wrong.
Julianne Moore's bright, silk, one-sleeve abuse of fabric looks like a parachute that only made it halfway up. Wouldn't have hurt to at least ironed the dress for the occasion either.
Did anyone see Dianna Agron arrive? There is absolutely no distinction here between the colour of her dress, skin and hair. No wonder they call it "nude". Harry Potter can keep his cloak of invisibility - in this dress, no one will see you!
All That Glitters (and really shouldn't):
Vanessa Williams, Mardi-Gras is not until next month. Geez, and to think they named the show Ugly Betty...
Oh hey look! It's Brown Glitter Barbie! Clearly not one of Mattel's best sellers.
She's round and shiny and painful to the naked eye. Amber Riley looks like she should either be hanging from a Christmas tree or directing air traffic at Tullamarine.
I don't know. I just don't know!
If black is slimming... then what, may I ask, makes Gabourey Sidibe think she can get away with purple, patterned, sparkly fabric?
What's black and white and read all over? Rupert Murdoch's liver spots. If he wasn't so disgustingly wealthy, one would expect the only dates he'd encounter would be the ones served to him by nurses to help keep him regular of a morning... She does look lovely though, but at what price?
Pump Up The Volume:
Kaley Cuoco in this cream puff disaster dress looks like something you'd see in a patisserie shop window. Is there a low-fat option?
I'm not a huge fan of this dress but she does look good. Seems to be another case of too much material, not enough girl, yet one cannot deny this gleek scrubs up well.
If this dress was a different colour it may be alright but the grey here just drains her. She looks more washed out here than the coast of Queensland.
Help! I'm being swallowed alive by tule!!
Hey Jennifer Lawrence, can-can you sack your stylist? Lady Marma-dud.
"oh look at me with my cute pixie haircut and cut flower dress I'm so cute! cute cute cute!" - This fabric looks like it's either been fashioned from old curtains or dug up from inside Fraulein Maria's closet. The Hollywood hills are alive with the sound of bad style!
The Inexcusables:
Eponymous, burlesque-themed film - check. Voluptuous, gothic-lace bodice dress - check. Victim of a messy divorce with muso ex-husband - check. Seriously Christina, you may think you're beautiful no matter what I say (and words can't bring you down)... but there's only room for one Dita Von Teese in Tinsle Town so stop trying to steal her look.
Didn't know times were that tough at the De Niro household that Grace Hightower had to make do with wearing a bedsheet to the Golden Globes.
Donatella can sleep easy tonight, she's successfully made another Hollywood glamazon look like she's just stepped out of an red light district whore house in this Versace number.
Hope Davis has no hope in this teal terror.
Helena Bonham, I have no words. Oh wait, here's some: how many hallucinogenics did you consume to put together this outfit?
Classic case of mutton dressed as lamb. Looks like Halle is paying homage to her Cat Woman days. I think someone needs to take this sorry moggy back to the pound. What a cat-astrophe!
Add some heavy black eyeliner and a dark wig and Julia Stiles has this year's Halloween costume sorted! For someone who's been in the business this long with the last name "Stiles", you'd think she'd get some by now.
Wait a minute, isn't she meant to be skinny now? This stark, black Zac Posen number looks far too harsh against her lillie white skin and platinum blonde hair. The irony is, she's the commentator on E's "Fashion Police". If Joan Rivers doesn't call 911, I will.
Most actors arrive at these types of awards ceremonies in a sleek, luxury European car... Christian Bale on the other hand, sporting his new Jesus haircut and beard, decided to travel by horse (see date on right). Giddy up.
If Morticia Adams ever wore fake tan, this is what she'd look like.
How many cowboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. But it only takes one Temple Grandin to screw up a red carpet outfit.
Tilda Swinton looks like one of those scary albino rabbits with the pink eyes. Apparently they are blind as well. At least you'd hope she is vision impaired to step out of the house looking like this.
If Liza Minelli and John Travolta had a love child, it would be Diane Warren.
Like Tiger Woods and monogamy, pink and red were never meant to go together. This dress looks as though it's been styled by a five year old let loose in her mother's box of fabric. White skin and angelic features aside, Natalie Portman should steer clear of channeling the "English rose" look for a while.
